


Blacksoul

by Eunmih



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-10-05 23:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20496977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eunmih/pseuds/Eunmih
Summary: Even when all he wants is a hand to hold or an arm over his shoulders and none comes, the world steadily becoming colder and emptier, a slow poison for his withering soul, Changkyun is alone and lonely.Why?Because he's a blacksoul.





	1. Echoes

**Author's Note:**

> A new project of sorts? I haven't written this much on my own in almost a year, oof...  
Honestly, there isn't much to the lore behind this. Some things are the way they are and there's no simple explanation as to why or how. I'm using this fic as a way to pass the time when Dan is busy or... or I wake up at odd hours? Yeah. I still don't know how long it will be, but don't worry there will definitely be Changki in this.

The shadows are swallowed by the encroaching darkness of the night. And in the gathering gloom the stars and the moon shine brighter in the sky, as if to remind Changkyun that even in the darkness there is light.

He sits on a pillow on the floor, elbows propped on the windowsill, left hand holding up the chopsticks he’s using to bring the cup noodles into his mouth. The breeze feels nice when it tousles his black hair, and the warmth settles slowly in his stomach with each slurp of noodles and sip of broth.

Nightfall cocoons him in its protective folds, and he’s finally hidden in the velvety blackness. He could curl up under the white gold moon and sleep under the constellations for a couple of hours, then rise before dawn and follow the path to the gardens nearby. But he doesn’t, he won’t. Because the day is for the living, and Changkyun is already… sort of dead.

The trees take ominous forms and whistle with the soft wind, a soft puff that shifts the air and makes that last noodle he’s slurping wiggle and hit him in the nose. It makes him laugh a little to himself as he reaches up to rub his palm on the tip of his nose, face scrunching a little when he does.

The breeze keeps flowing outside, bringing the scent of the night into the room, but Changkyun finishes his noodles and rolls away from the window, eyes on the TV. Netflix has been playing randomly on low volume for a while, but nothing has caught his eye yet. It makes him scoff, though, how people like to use the words ‘soul’ and ‘spirit’ so interchangeably. This new show? From the little he’s watched, has made this mistake quite a few times.

Soul? Nothing but a will, a mixture of affections and thoughts, the impalpable of what makes someone what they are. Spirit? Nothing but faith, the innermost part of a human. The spirit is enveloped by the soul, which in turn is enveloped by the body. And funnily enough, all three break in different ways.

Break the body, get through the soul, pierce their spirit and they lose their way of interacting with the world. Skip the body and shatter the soul and it will float back together, broken pieces unmatching, leaving cracks for the world to take digs at the spirit. Get through one and reach the next, fix the body without healing the soul, and slowly the spirit will crack, too.

Doctors? They take care of the body. Therapists? They try to reach the soul through the body, but often times forget not everything is within palpable reach. Changkyun? Well… he’s a soul fixer. He mends the cracks in an attempt to protect the spirit, even when it might be nearly gone.

An interesting job, isn’t it? Except… the toll it takes on him is far too great. Especially because, maybe due to his nature, people whose souls are nearly gone seem to be drawn to him. They latch on, and he helps them heal, hopes that even though their spirit is nearly gone, they’ll at least be strong enough to keep on living. But just as he grows attached, people leave. Because they don’t need healing anymore. Because they don’t need him anymore.

And that’s fine, really. People change, people grow, and sometimes others will remind them of a part of themselves they’d rather forget. But instead of asking ‘change with me’ or ‘grow with me’, even ‘let me help you grow, too’, they just… leave. By now, Changkyun is so used to it that he sees it coming before it does, maybe in a way attracting his own fate.

He’s mastered the art of being alone, gotten used to the loneliness that comes with it, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. And it’s been killing him, too, just a little bit more every day, taking what was once his inner light and replacing it with a darkness that overshadows each moment.

He’s a blacksoul. Sort of already dead for every soul he’s fixed. Because he can fix them, but he can’t fix himself. And when friends feel like paper chains in the rain and the sky holds nothing but the promise of more storms, life is lonely.

Changkyun has mastered the art of being alone by getting used to the loneliness. Even when all he wants is a hand to hold or an arm over his shoulders and none comes, the world steadily becoming colder and emptier, a slow poison for his withering soul.

Why doesn’t he change this? Why doesn’t he reach out? Because the alternative is much more painful, to connect and to lose. So, he likes drinking tea alone, likes reading alone, likes riding the bus alone and walking home alone, likes eating alone and listening to music alone. But when he sees a mother with her child, a girl or a boy with their lover, friends laughing in the sun, a father who acts like father and not like an apocalyptic disease… Changkyun realizes that even though he likes being alone, he doesn’t fancy being lonely.

It’s different, to be used to something and to enjoy it. And he definitely doesn’t enjoy the ever present feeling that he will live and die alone with no one to remember him, no one to help his spirit last only a second longer even when his body and soul have already departed.

Changkyun leans back on the floor and stretches, lets his back crack and holds his breath for as long as he can before letting it go. He stares at the ceiling for a few seconds, hears the clock ticking in the kitchen, and sits up.

_ Time to game, _ he thinks to himself. Games, books, movies, a way to flee from his own life and live another, an escape. Sometimes, one or another will turn into an hyperfixation, and for as long as it lasts, Changkyun will feel more alive, happier than he usually does. It’s the in betweens that are difficult to get through. But he still does, every time. Mostly because he knows he can still see the light, even when everything around him is black.

_______________________________

Rain. Changkyun used to hate the rain. Nowadays, it’s a comfort of sorts.

“What can I get you?” the barista asks, his smile falling rather short of a truthful one. His nametag reads ‘Minhyuk’, his hair is as black as Changkyun’s, and his blink is uneven.

“Just coffee,” Changkyun mumbles, eyes flicking down to the counter as puts down a few coins. “Black--” _ like my soul. _

“What size?”

“Small.”

The barista nods and reaches for one of the smallest paper cups before putting it aside to take Changkyun’s money. “It will be just a second,” the young man says, handing Changkyun his change.

_ One. _

_ There. Where’s my coffee? _

Changkyun smiles small and shoves the change into his pocket, glancing to the side to look out the big windows while Minhyuk, the barista, prepares his coffee. The rain falls from a sky of white velvet, creating a hazy layer just above the ground with every drop that ricochets off the pavement. 

People pace everywhere, colourful umbrellas over their heads like hallows, a few transparent, letting Changkyun’s eyes catch on their faces through the rain dotted plastic. Even behind the window, Changkyun can hear their footsteps in his head, heels crunching against the wet sidewalks.

Despite the humidity, though, the atmosphere inside the coffeeshop feels dry. The place is also nearly empty, so Changkyun considers staying for a while, even though he knows he shouldn’t. But that table by the window? It’s looking particularly aesthetic from where he stands, staring at it.

“Here,” the barista says, places a warm, steaming cup of coffee over the counter, “Your coffee.”

“Thank you,” Changkyun says, looking up just to smile politely at the young man. 

As he reaches for the cup, however, their fingers brush and Changkyun needs to squeeze a little at the cup with both hands so he won’t drop it. A sharp pain goes up his arm, from the epicentre of that touch, all the way to his shoulder and then, as always, his heart. He feels himself going back to when it happened, going back to when the first piece of this person’s soul fell and crumbled to dust, leaving their spirit open to the world for the first time ever. It feels like opening a book in the middle and reading its most painful, deep and horrible chapter without any context but the feelings that aren’t Changkyun’s own to feel.

He looks up, eyes a little wide and finds the young man, Minhyuk, blinking unevenly at him.

_ Minhyuk. _ It feels wrong not to call him that. After all, with one touch, Changkyun feels like he knows enough of this person to call them by their given name.

“Are you alright?” Minhyuk asks. 

“I--” Changkyun blinks, clears his throat and huffs a laugh. “Yes. I just…” He swallows and brings the coffee close to his chest. “I just remembered something. Thank you!” 

Changkyun turns around, ready to _ yeet _ out of there, when he almost bumps into someone. 

_ Great. _

“So--Sorry,” he apologizes, bowing his head once, twice, thrice.

“Ah, it’s alright,” the person replies, and Changkyun can hear their smile in their voice. So, he glances up and sees another young man, fluffy redish brown hair falling over his forehead, parted a little down the side, eyes smiling as much as his lips, something small but soft at the edges. “No coffee has been spilt,” the young man says, stepping aside for Changkyun to pass and then glancing at the bartender. “Minhyuk, get me a double.”

“‘Please’, would you mind?” Minhyuk teases.

Changkyun doesn’t hear the rest, mostly because he practically takes flight away from the counter and rushes towards the door.

He stops, though, eyes on the rain that falls just a few steps away. And the more he looks at it, at the drops that come to greet the earth with the splendour of their music and the sensation of drift, the more Changkyun feels the ecstasy of joy--not the elevated loud happiness of a rave, but the sweet serenity of a loving quiet purpose.

It’s a terrible thing, to feel like his only purpose is to help those who need him, even if what fulfills him is also what destroys him, so very slowly that he doesn’t feel it until he does.

Changkyun glances back over his shoulder and watches Minhyuk talk with the happy looking young man. And indeed, to the outside world, to _ that _ young man, Minhyuk looks just fine. But Changkyun knows what lies beneath the surface, a simple soul in need.

A loving quiet purpose. _ Such a terrible thing. _

“Uhm,” Changkyun finds himself saying--when did he walk all those steps back to the counter?--Minhyuk and the other young man blink at him. “This coffee,” he mumbles, places the cup over the counter. “It tastes a little weird.”

“Huh?” Minhyuk frowns, looks at the cup. “Oh. I can… I can get you another, then.” He’s about to take the cup with him when the young man next to Changkyun slowly reaches for it and maintains eye contact with Minhyuk while pulling the cup closer.

“It’s a waste to throw it away,” the young man says, eyes big and pout teasing into a smile. His auburn hair contrasts a lot with his white coat. It’s kind of cute.

_ Wait. What? _

“A new one would be fine,” Changkyun nods, ignores the side-glance the young man gives him and smiles at Minhyuk. “Thank you. And, uhm… You--Your number, too.”

Minhyuk gapes. And the young man made the mistake of taking a sip of his (Changkyun’s) coffee, because now he’s choking on it, only contributing to the ever growing redness on Changkyun’s face.

“Er,” Minhyuk blinks, leans forward, eyes narrowing. “Are you… flirting with me?”

Changkyun’s heart does a somersault. “No! I mean--No. I just… I need--”_ Ugh, I hate lying. _ “I need friends, honestly. And… You seem like a really nice per--”

“He’s not,” the young man scoffs.

Changkyun flushes. “Uhm. Well. That’s for me to decide and… for you to judge, I guess?”

“Ohoh?” the young man perks up, clearly interested all of a sudden.

The confusion on Minhyuk’s face slowly seems to be dissipating into a small smile. “Oh,” he says, grinning a little, genuinely this time, “Sounds like fun. I like your boldness, weird stranger! Tackling issues head on without a knack for social cues!”

_ Was that an insult? _ It sounded like one but it certainly didn’t feel like one.

“I’m Changkyun, by the way.”

“Minhyuk!”

“Kihyun,” the young man whispers, raising his hand just a little, “To whomever cares.”

“No one, obviously,” Minhyuk scoffs and then happily finger guns at Changkyun. “A new coffee coming up in a few.” It makes Changkyun laugh a little.

Just something random, something different, and the first piece of a broken soul forms on the palm of his hand.

_______________________________

Minhyuk texts _ a lot. _ And he is incapable of sending one single text with all the things he needs to say, instead spamming Changkyun with twenty text bubbles to tell him about how his chest hurts when he sneezes.

“According to the internet,” Changkyun tells Minhyuk a few days later, “It’s pleuritis. Also known as pleurisy. A condition that is an inflammation or irritation of the lining of the lungs and chest.”

“Am I dying?!” Minhyuk gapes, eyes wide. They usually meet at the coffeeshop where Minhyuk works, but today they’re sitting on a bench at the park nearby. The faint light of the sun between the clouds makes Minhyuk’s hair shine healthily. It’s pretty. “I’m dying,” he settles on.

Changkyun laughs. “You’re not dying. Might not even be it. You know the internet, everything is a cause of death.”

“The internet _ is _ a cause of death,” Minhyuk mumbles.

“Quite right you are.”

“Cause of death,” Minhyuk jokes, “A tweet.”

Changkyun raises an eyebrow, eyes on his phone, and shrugs. “You joke but… some people are _ mean _ on the bird app. And we never really know how what we say, no matter how well intended or innocent, might affect someone else.”

“Might as well keep my mouth shut, then?”

“Oh no,” Changkyun laughs, “Can you?”

Minhyuk grins when Changkyun looks at him. “I can try?” Minhyuk wonders. “Not making any promises.”

“Well, you do have a sharp tongue. But I’m strong, I can take it.”

“It’s the salt, Changkyunie,” Minhyuk says, voice strained when he stretches back on the bench. “It’s the salt.”

“Or the vinegar,” Changkyun muses lowly.

“Vinegar?” Minhyuk laughs. “Maybe? I do like that more than salt.”

“Yeah, but you know the saying; you attract more flies with honey than vinegar.”

Minhyuk scrunches his nose, eyes thinning into lines as he makes a face. “Why would I want to attract flies, though?”

Changkyun huffs a laugh and shakes his head, looks back to his phone. “Nevermind, nevermind.”

“No, seriously, I don’t get it!”

Changkyun sighs and shrugs one shoulder. “It just means that it’s easier to get what you want with sweetness rather than acidity. Even if said sweetness is fake.”

“Oooooooh! Aw, but I’m always this sweet,” Minhyuk says, pout evident even when Changkyun doesn’t look at him.

“Bet you’re batting your eyelashes at me right now,” Changkyun scoffs, giggles a little when Minhyuk wraps his arms around him.

_ Warmth. _

“Is it working?” Minhyuk laughs.

“Nope!”

“Lies!”

“Ah! Stop--”

_ Warmth. _

_______________________________

Changkyun looks at his fingers, at the little white ghostly light he twirls between them; a piece of Minhyuk’s soul. It’s not nearly enough for a clear shot, it won’t mend all the holes in Minhyuk’s soul, but it’s all Changkyun has so far.

Some people are harder to get to than others. Changkyun hopes he’ll be able to get to Minhyuk soon. Not that there’s a time limit or anything like that, not that Minhyuk’s soul can’t hold on any longer, but…

Changkyun fists his hand and the little light disappears. He sits up, eyes on his computer’s screen, and wiggles on the pillow he’s sitting on.

It’s sad to think, but he knows it’s the truth; he’s getting attached.

_ Again. _

And, as always, it will hurt when it’s over.

Changkyun glances out the open window, sees the rain right outside and sighs.

“Sometimes,” he tells himself, “I really want to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face, Im Changkyun.”

Why? Well… because he’s an idiot. As the idiot that he is, with the longing that he feels, Changkyun grabs his phone and texts Minhyuk, heart filling with warmth when the little ‘seen’ shows up right away and the dots that preempt a reply pop up at the bottom of the chat.

“I’ll miss you,” Changkyun mumbles, smiling small at the screen. “I will.”

_______________________________

“Look, isn’t he cute?” Minhyuk swoons, eyes soft on the screen of his phone that he tilts so Changkyun can see. The coffeeshop is practically empty today, so Changkyun is keeping Minhyuk entertained with coffee orders and random banter.

Changkyun blinks at the picture on Minhyuk’s phone and smiles a little. “Ohoh… he is! What’s his name?”

“Jooheon,” Minhyuk mumbles, melting a little over the table.

Changkyun smiles small and tilts his head. “Wondering if you should swipe…?”

It’s clear how that startles Minhyuk, what with the way his eyes widen and he looks up at Changkyun, somewhat afraid. It’s not something they talked about, it’s not something Minhyuk has shared, despite all the jokes. But Changkyun knows. He knows because he’s seen it. So, all he can do is…

“Why not?” he asks, smiling wider and leaning back on the chair.

Minhyuk’s mouth moves like he’s a fish out of water, his cheeks changing colour into a pink shade. “I--What--You--What?!”

Changkyun shrugs, crosses his arms and looks up. “Who knows, maybe you’ll match. And if you don’t, well, sad…? But there’s nothing to lose.”

Minhyuk blinks and then straightens up, frowning at his phone before he glances up at Changkyun. “I… How… How did you know?”

“Just a hunch?” Changkyun shrugs. _ There’s a fly stuck on that lamp. _“It’s… easier to recognize it when you’ve been through the same things, I guess…” He looks down and smiles when he catches Minhyuk’s unguarded expression. “So… for the both of us? Please, do swipe the right way?”

Minhyuk smiles a little and looks down before giggling a bubbly little thing that turns into laughter. “Aish… Aish!” He bites both lips in and narrows his eyes at the screen before scrunching his eyes shut and swiping. “Ahhhhh! I did it!” he screams, throws the phone at Changkyun like it’s a bomb ready to explode.

Changkyun catches it, fumbling with it like it’s his own life he’s trying to get a hold of, and then sighs when he manages to secure it between his hands. He turns the phone to look at the screen and smiles at the picture he sees.

“Damn,” he says, “He really is cute.”

“Argh! Shut up!” Minhyuk laughs, hiding his face between his arms crossed over the table. “I feel like I’m going to explode… agh.”

Changkyun raises an eyebrow and points over his shoulder, “Well, go do that outside? We wouldn’t want a gory mess inside the shop, your boss would… er… dance _ Ring Ding Dong _ on your grave…?”

Minhyuk pauses and then slowly raises his head to blink unevenly at Changkyun before just throwing his head back and laugh. “Oh. My. God--”

Changkyun laughs, too. “What? If you explode, you’re already dead! They can’t kill you again!”

“Shut up!”

And again, Changkyun laughs, feels warmth between his fingers, another piece meant for Minhyuk’s soul shining between his fingers, invisible to every eye but his.

But the worst part? The worst part is that now _ Ring Ding Dong _ is playing inside Changkyun’s brain and he can’t get rid of it.

_______________________________

Healing someone’s soul takes time. Mostly because it doesn’t work unless the person wants it, too, to open up, to let themselves be bare and open to good things. And all Changkyun needs to do is go through each and every moment that destroyed the thin layer around Minhyuk’s spirit and give it the power to heal again.

The first time Minhyuk’s heart broke was when he was six years old. He’d just started school and was trying to make friends with his classmates. But, for some reason, they decided to single him out, so Minhyuk had to play on his own, had to take every rejection of a possible friendship in stride. It seemed like nothing back then, but the damage was done and it reflected later on.

The second time Minhyuk’s heart broke was when he heard his own father’s disgust towards a couple on the street, simply because they were two men. Minhyuk didn’t even know back then, he was too young to know, but he felt that disgust as if it was meant for him. And, in a way, it was.

The third time Minhyuk’s heart broke was when he couldn’t save his best friend from himself. And that might be something that, even though healed, will always remain a scar, a thinner layer to take a dig at. Nothing Changkyun can do about that.

The fourth time Minhyuk’s heart broke was when he realized he wasn’t strong enough on his own, strong enough to deal with the world he has to face without someone to hold his hand. And even though he doesn’t say it, it’s obvious that he’s thankful for Kihyun, the bright yet mysterious young man who managed to worm his way into Minhyuk’s heart. Not that Minhyuk is ready to trust him fully, but… maybe once he’s healed he will give Kihyun a chance.

And speaking of which…

It’s only the second time Changkyun’s eyes meet with Kihyun’s, even if Minhyuk doesn’t fail mentioning his potential best friend whenever he meets with Changkyun, yet Kihyun smiles brightly, like he’s seen Changkyun a hundred times and they’re actually friends.

The sun is setting, Minhyuk’s shift has finally ended, and they’re all on their way… somewhere. Probably home? Who knows, Changkyun hasn’t been informed, but he hopes that by tagging along he’ll get to spend more time with both Minhyuk and Kihyun, the first because he’s a friend, the second because he’s… cute.

_ How superficial of you, Im Changkyun. _

“Do you think Shownu would like to come?” Kihyun asks, eyes scanning the street. He seems… so light, like the world doesn’t weight on his shoulders, like he’s the embodiment of happiness, like he’s… pure.

Changkyun wonders if underneath the facade there’s a soul in need, too. But he tries not to let his curiosity get the best of him, Minhyuk is a handful already, and Changkyun has only managed to collect two pieces of light. He needs two more.

“If I invite him, he’ll come,” Minhyuk chirps.

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Of course he will…”

Changkyun glances up at Minhyuk. “Who’s Shownu?”

“Oh,” Minhyuk smiles. “Hyunwoo, a friend in common.”

“He’s cool,” Kihyun says, “I think you’d like him.”

Changkyun smiles over. “You think?”

“Yep!”

“Oh, I know!” Minhyuk beams, stopping to hit his palm with his fist. He points at Changkyun. “You could come with us!”

Kihyun blinks and smiles at Minhyuk before looking at Changkyun rather expectantly. “Ohhhh!” Kihyun ohs, “Please? The more the merrier!”

Changkyun wishes he could say no. But when he thinks of saying yes, warmth bubbles in his fingers, yet another soul bullet to shoot at Minhyuk. So, Changkyun holds the gun to his temple and takes a breath.

“Yeah,” he says, heart a little tight. “I’d love to!”

Minhyuk beams even more (of course that’s possible) and a ball of light shines between Changkyun’s fingers. Changkyun smiles brightly at Minhyuk, the corners of his lips dropping a little when Minhyuk brings out his phone to text this friend of theirs they call ‘Shownu’.

_ Three down. One to go. _

Changkyun looks at his hand, sees the three shiny bullets circle in between his fingers and sighs softly. When he glances up, though, senses flaring a little, he catches Kihyun looking at him.

“What…?” Changkyun asks.

Kihyun smiles a little and tilts his head. “What, what?”

“Er… I…”

“Done!” Minhyuk chirps, aggressively shoves his phone back into the pocket of his jacket. “Don’t make plans for Saturday! You’re all mine!”

Kihyun grins and Changkyun smiles. It will be a very long week until Saturday.

_______________________________

Tonight, Changkyun sits by the window. The scent of fried chicken reaches his nose and he smiles. He remembers Kihyun mentioning that he loved chicken, remembers the disgust in Minhyuk’s face, remembers the evil grin Kihyun gave Minhyuk and the light punch Minhyuk replied with.

It occurs to Changkyun that he doesn’t have Kihyun’s number, though. It also occurs to him that Kihyun’s favourite food might be all that he knows about the man.

_ Huh… _

Changkyun leans over the windowsill and takes a deep breath. It makes him smile again, but it quickly fades away when he realizes that he kind of wants to text this mysterious guy he knows nothing about.

Would Kihyun even reply if Changkyun texted him? Probably. Would Kihyun’s soul reveal itself for Changkyun the same way Minhyuk’s did? Most likely. After all, everyone has a soul and every soul needs healing.

Changkyun lifts his hand and looks at the ghostly lights that mist around his fingers and begin to chase each other in between them. They contrast against the black of the night, against the black of Changkyun’s own soul. 

The lights seem cheerful but fragile, the same way Minhyuk’s soul is. People never really are what they seem to be. And Minhyuk is not as strong as he pretends to be. Just like Changkyun isn’t as cool as he wishes he could be, or as calm on the inside as he is on the outside. And, once this is over, he will have his own storm to deal with. After all, such is the fate of a blacksoul.

_______________________________

Changkyun looks at Shownu and within the first seven seconds of meeting, he gets a solid impression of who he is. It’s not an in depth study, of course. But it’s enough. Enough for that feeling in his gut that keeps saying ‘no’ to get even louder, unmatching the one in his heart that says ‘yes’.

It’s with apprehension that Changkyun smiles at Shownu. Mostly because within the seven seconds it took to get a first impression, Shownu looked at him, at Kihyun and at Minhyuk, expression betraying nothing but politeness until Minhyuk smiled at him.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s nothing serious, but Changkyun can almost see it, whatever history there is between Minhyuk and Shownu. And who is Changkyun if he doesn’t fight to find the courage to do what is right for others? Because if this is going to ruin everything, then yes, Changkyun is apprehensive about this new person.

So, the moment Shownu turns around to walk towards the restaurant, Minhyuk happily following after him, Changkyun frowns, a tight feeling in his chest.

Is he glaring? Maybe. And maybe that’s why he startles the moment Kihyun’s face pops into his field of vision.

“Are you alright?” Kihyun asks, wide, concerned pretty eyes looking into Changkyun’s.

Changkyun glances away and swallows, nodding faintly. “Yeah… Just…” He huffs a laugh and smiles a little. “Nothing.”

Kihyun frowns a little, obviously not convinced. But he lets it go, simply slumping back, hands in the pockets of his coat and watching Changkyun walk towards the restaurant as well.

All in all? There’s nothing. No red flags. Not even a badly placed sentence, something that would give Shownu away. But every time he and Minhyuk exchange a look, Changkyun feels his heart go a little heavy again, the voice in his gut screaming loudly at him.

Things flow like they always do, and Changkyun tries to summon his appetite by watching the way Kihyun eats. Minhyuk blabs. He blabs about food, about life, about how the handsome guy he’s swooning over didn’t match with him. But the only two words Changkyun lets out of his mouth are to thank the waitress that is serving their table.

Turns out, Shownu is incredibly hard to read. And Changkyun can’t really pin down the why behind this instinctive dislike he feels for the man, which is making him starting to hate himself a little.

They get ice cream after lunch and Kihyun sings ‘happy birthday’ like he’s serenading it to someone. It knocks Changkyun out of axis a little because--_ wow, what a beautiful voice... _

And finally, because the universe has its own way of making things happen, unaware of its inhabitants’ wants or needs, as they part ways, Shownu extends his hand to shake Changkyun’s.

Fingertips touch, and Changkyun’s heart drops into a pit of darkness.

He forgets to breathe, his brain straining to make him move to shake that hand in front of him, to make him smile even if faintly and turn around. And when he does, when he finally notices no one is looking, he gasps.

_ Insecurity. So much insecurity. _

At this point, it’s like Changkyun attracts people he thinks he can fix. People who have potential, people who can be their better selves. And, in a way, Shownu is the same. He takes on people he thinks need his help. Except he is no blacksoul. He can’t glue people back together. And he breaks, quietly so, in a way that in turn breaks others, too.

He wants to help but he hides the pain behind a mask, behind his own shyness. And turns out, his soul is full of holes, holes he tries to fill with brightness, Minhyuk’s brightness, but instead ends up stealing it. 

And the worst part is, neither Minhyuk or Shownu seem to be aware of how bad they are for each other as they are right now. And what can Changkyun do about that? Nothing. Nothing at all.

_______________________________

Minhyuk and Changkyun don’t see each other for a whole week. And it rains through the seven days that it takes for them to meet again.

The rain soaks the ground, puddles everywhere. Minhyuk jumps over them and smiles small whenever he does. On Changkyun’s hand, the little lights circle between his fingers, but the oldest one is starting to fade.

Time is up. If Changkyun can’t find the last, final fix, these three will have to do, or he’ll have to redo it all.

“By the way,” he says, shifting the umbrella from one hand to the other so it covers Minhyuk better, “I wanted to ask you… Think Kihyun would mind if… If you gave me his number?”

Minhyuk frowns. “No…? I don’t think he’d mind. Why?” He glances over. “I’m actually surprised you don’t have it?”

“Well,” Changkyun shrugs one shoulder, “We’re not exactly close, not as much as you and me. But… Y’know.”

Minhyuk scoffs a laugh. “Yeah, I suppose? I’ll text you his number,” he says, bringing out his phone, probably to do just that.

“Thanks. I always forget to ask him.”

“Or maybe you’re just too shy to do it.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes. _ It’s not that deep. _ “Speaking of shy…” He clears his throat, looks down at his feet, tunes in to the sound of his footsteps on the soaked ground. “That friend of yours…? Shownu? I think he likes you.”

Minhyuk stops and Changkyun needs to stop as well, arm stretching to hold the umbrella between them. The rain is faint, barely a thing, it doesn’t even sound as it nests above the transparent plastic of the umbrella, but it certainly collects fast enough to from thick droplets that slide down the curve of the plastic and fall to the ground.

“What…?” Minhyuk blinks, snorts and smiles. “Shownu? Well, we’ve been friends for a long time…? So, I’m sure he likes me…?”

“Not like that,” Changkyun sighs, smiling small. “Like… In likes.”

Again, Minhyuk blinks. “And… what makes you say that?”

“I saw the way he looks at you.”

“And what way is that…?”

“Er… all… sparkly, soft eyes and random stares?”

“Hm…” Minhyuk blinks, _ again, _ but this time it’s slow and uneven. He looks at his phone, finishes doing what he was doing and Changkyun feels his own phone vibrate in his pocket. “Might be…”

Changkyun narrows his eyes. _ I know you know, idiot. _ “You’re a terrible liar.”

Minhyuk frowns and rolls his eyes. “And I dislike you profoundly.”

“A lie,” Changkyun grins and gets closer. “Why you liiiiie?”

Minhyuk scoffs a laugh and shoves lightly at Changkyun. “Shut it… It’s true.”

“Aw, you lying again,” Changkyun coos, dropping the umbrella to the side and letting the snow-like rain pile over the both of them. Minhyuk doesn’t seem impressed but he also doesn’t say anything about it, so Changkyun takes it in stride. “When was it?”

“High school,” Minhyuk says and Changkyun tilts his head. _ It didn’t break your heart, so that means… _“I was young and scared so… I might have… hurt him a little. It wasn’t on purpose, though, I just…”

“I know,” Changkyun says softly, smiling small. “I know it wasn’t on purpose.” _ But what you’re doing now… it kind of is. _ And the guilt… that’s what’s eating at him, that’s what keeps the last, final little light from showing up. 

_ Isn’t it, Minhyuk? _

Because everyone wants to be liked, wants to feel wanted, even when feelings aren’t reciprocated. It’s nice to be an object of affection, to be prioritized without having to prioritize back. So, in a way, Minhyuk is hurting Shownu and in turn hurting himself, too. Because it’s obvious that he hates it, hates using his friend like this. But he’s human, so he can’t help it. And for that, Changkyun can’t judge him. He can’t judge neither of them.

There is not always a good person. Just like there is not always a bad one. Most people are somewhere in between. And everyone hurts as much as they hurt others in turn. And in the end, people are the choices they make.

So, even though Changkyun is lacking one little light, he decides to make one of his own. Because life isn’t written with words all the time. Sometimes, it takes actions. And it doesn’t matter what others would think of this, of Changkyun offering a bit of his own soul to fill up another’s, because it’s not important. It is only important what is done. Because in the end, that’s what can be seen.

Minhyuk never wanted to hurt Shownu. But that doesn’t matter to the world, because in the end he did. But it matters to Changkyun, because he knows, because he feels it as his own guilt.

“You’re getting gloomy,” Changkyun says, smiling a little brighter and pulling the umbrella back up. “Come on,” he says, turning and linking his arm with Minhyuk’s. “And hey… sorry for prying.”

Minhyuk smiles small, clearly a little sad, clearly trying to mask it all. “Nah…” He pulls at his arm and throws it over Changkyun’s shoulders instead, squeezing a little and making Changkyun giggle. “It’s okay.”

_ I’ll miss you, _ Changkyun thinks, eyes going a little soft. _ I will. _

_______________________________

It’s time. The time Changkyun knows would come sooner or later, but dreaded. He has to say goodbye, mostly because he knows that he won’t get the chance once it’s all done. He has to say goodbye to the one person he's cared for the most these past weeks that quickly turned into months, the only person he’s been happy with. 

How was he supposed to do that without feeling like he’s lost a part of himself? Well, it’s happening, quite literally. There’s an extra final little light between his fingers, part of him, something he’s using to fix someone else.

But in the end… well, it’s sad. All those time Changkyun and Minhyuk would just talk and laugh and do normal things that normal people do. When Changkyun had forgotten so much of what it means to live, Minhyuk had managed to show him the way, even if foreign to him altogether. And, in turn, Changkyun knows he helped Minhyuk when his world was falling apart around him. Changkyun knows he made Minhyuk feel as though it wasn’t so bad.

Endings are sad, especially when the journey has been mostly happy. But everything ends. Everything, except, perhaps, time.

The sunset star peeks through a hazy screen of clouds, painting the sky an elaborate mix of bloodied reds and vibrant oranges, intertwined with the smoky greys the permeate the skyward canvas.

Changkyun leans against a shop window, eyes on Minhyuk, who’s currently exiting the coffee shop and greeting Kihyun with a smile. They can’t see Changkyun, or at least so he hopes. There’s a stream of people going up and down the street, and Minhyuk seems too busy chatting to dare to look up and meet Changkyun’s eyes.

Minhyuk. He’s pretty, he really is. Bright. A little darker on the inside, but that’s for those closest to him to find out about and learn how to deal with.

He pulls his coat, Kihyun helping him fold the collar at the back, and then grins as he mouths something Changkyun can’t pin words to.

Things will get boring from now on. It will take time for Changkyun to come to terms with the fact that he won’t have someone nagging at him all the time, someone begging him to reply to a sea of texts, someone to smile at him and annoy him by commenting on his choice of clothes. But, with time, things will return to the way they were.

Kihyun pushes against Minhyuk a little, forcing him to go up the busy street, and Changkyun leans away from the wall, slowly making his way into the moving crowd. He brings his left hand out and all the little lights blinks into existence between his fingers before they begin to circle in between them.

Behind him, the sun touches the horizon, the sky redder than ever. In front of him, between a crowd of people with no faces, Minhyuk smiles, unaware of what’s happening.

The blackness of Changkyun’s soul grows thicker, a sort of visual silence that gives off a revered awe. Changkyun takes a deep breath, feels it expand, float around himself, just over his skin, tickling him, making goosebumps erupt all over.

Slowly, the blackness becomes his blanket of protection, a place for his heart to beat quietly in a steady rhythm. All that comes to him is the warmth the sun shoots toward his back, and that’s all he’ll need.

With his eyes closed, there is the simple sweetness of existing, of being, of breathing the humidity in the air that surrounds him, and how all these moments extend with such grace, and will keep flowing until the dawn chooses to bring back the colours and soothe Changkyun to sleep.

He opens his eyes, lifts his hand and finger guns, aiming directly at Minhyuk.

Light upon the skin is a joy. But these little lights floating around Changkyun’s hand pull towards his palm and burn in a white fire, smoke enveloping his fingers and wrist.

The moving crowd is unaware. Why? Because blacksouls are invisible until they make themselves visible. So it doesn’t matter if he’s about to shoot his current best friend in the back.

_ It’s for your own good. _

Gravity shifts, a dip that concentrates in Changkyun’s hand and makes the air around him move, a blow of wind that makes his jacket flap a little, his hair dance over his head, a blow of wind that sings its own songs and stirs the emotions Changkyun is trying to keep at bay.

The white, blinding fire in his hand begins to burn and he waits. Waits just for that opening in the crowd and shoots a direct white line towards Minhyuk’s back.

The light speeds up, leaves a trail of smoke as it pierces through the air and burns away every aura it touches, rainbow like flashes meeting Changkyun’s eyes as he feels his hand drop slowly to his side.

There’s no sound of impact, but the moment the blinding light hits Minhyuk’s back, Minhyuk stops. Changkyun lets out a shaky breath, feels the new open wound in his own soul and tries not to let it fill his mind with thoughts. He watches Minhyuk frozen in the crowd, watches the way Kihyun reaches for Minhyuk’s shoulder, concerned.

_ Bye bye, _ Changkyun thinks, begins to turn around. He needs to go home. He needs to sleep. He needs to clear his mind, fill it with things that have nothing to do with this. Fill it with emotions that aren’t his own.

His heart jumps a little, though, when, almost in slow motion, Kihyun turns his head and catches his eye from in between the sea of faceless people. It makes Changkyun pause. Why? Because Kihyun knew exactly where to look, like all he did was follow the faint trail of white smoke that no one can see.

Changkyun swallows, feels his heart catch up, but can’t help staring back. Mostly because the look Kihyun is giving him is… a knowing look, something that mixes concern with something else, something Changkyun thinks might be disapproval. 

The sea of people moves slowly, the breeze passes slowly, Changkyun breathes slowly while his brain thinks fast. And then he sees Kihyun’s eyebrows furrow, sees a frown harsher than all the others he’s seen on Kihyun’s face before. And, when Kihyun looks away, time flows at its normal pace.

Kihyun says something to Minhyuk, something Changkyun can’t see or hear. And then the sea of people evelops the sight of them, takes them away.

Changkyun hears his own heart in his ears. He looks down at his feet and takes a deep breath before glancing up and back at the setting sun. He just saved someone’s life. But the cost still echoes, something that is missing, something he’ll never get back. Maybe, with time, he’ll be able to figure out just how much of himself he sold for this.


	2. Ashes Of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As if the universe realized Changkyun will need a helping hand to stand up once again when this is over, his phone buzzes with a text from Kihyun. It's not much, all it says is 'My number, now you have it'. And all Changkyun does is smile at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking nearly a month to post again. Danthe job is a full time job! Jk, jk. It's not, but I prioritize it.  
Hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

Breathing.

To breath, something people take for granted until the moment something or someone steals the air from their lungs.

_ Breathing.  _

Something Changkyun has been struggling with these past few days.

There's a weight inside his chest, something that squeezes when he fills his lungs with air, something that makes his breaths come out a little shaky. It's as if the cozy world he lives in is nothing but a one way mirror and everyone else, even Minhyuk, was on the other side all along.

To be alone and to feel lonely are two completely different things. And yet, right now, Changkyun is both alone and lonely in more ways than one.

Minhyuk hasn't texted in a few days. Why? Changkyun would like to say it's all a coincidence, but he knows better. Minhyuk hasn't texted because something within him has changed, because he's trying to figure it out, because he's looking at things with a different perspective, because his brain is busy, and Changkyun isn't part of any of that. 

_ Because he’s starting to forget. _

Changkyun thinks that maybe he should take the initiative and say something. So, he does. He texts Minhyuk. And gets a reply hours later. Something faint. Something rushed. 

Because of course it is.

And it's only when the hollow feeling of whatever that is missing begins to fester that Changkyun realizes what he lost;

Confidence.

He looks at the things he does and feels like it's not enough, like there's something missing, like it's lacking. He looks at himself in the mirror and feels like he used to be more. He feels like less; less capable, less stable, less pretty, less everything.

Maybe it will pass, eventually. It has to. It has to pass. So, Changkyun waits for the day or night when he will wake up and actually feel better after a shower. Maybe then he will be used to the part of himself that he lost, that confidence he knows he will never get back but that he will try his best to replace with something else.

Maybe it will pass. He hopes it does.

He winces as he sips his coffee. It’s tepid, overly bitter and lacking cream. It’s a source of caffeine, though, so Changkyun drinks it like a sailor new to whiskey. Something has to keep him awake. Something has to keep him from sleeping through the whole day.

But nothing stops him from hitting ‘send’ on the small text he writes to Minhyuk.

Miss ya

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


Sometimes, it’s like falling into an abyss. The  _ Great Divide, _ songs call it. Sometimes, it’s watching the clouds in the sky, the way the darkness rolls in and brings with it the rain. It’s staring out to the cage-like walls of his house, hear time go by with every tick of the clock, see the shadows crawl as the sun moves from east to west.

And when Changkyun’s contact list is nothing but a list of people he doesn’t talk to anymore, he wonders just how much all of it is worth it. If there’s no one next to him in the metaphoric sense, it doesn’t matter where he is, or what he does; he’s still alone.

Slowly, he pulls at his headphones and forces them over his head, even though his body is practically begging him to stop moving. He plugs the thing to his phone, plugs the phone to the charger and ignores how it feels to see no texts from Minhyuk--or anyone, really, and puts Spotify on shuffle.

Music has a power of its own. Sometimes, it’s like it teaches the brain how to flow without jumping and stumbling, how to be peaceful. It’s as if the slowly changing tone touches different parts, a sort of auditory massage for the mind. It’s an invitation for slowness, and to feel the presence of self, an ever patient version of Changkyun who waits to be spoken to, and is content to do so.

It happens in the way sometimes he finds himself conscious of the wind, the light, the rain, and smiles because it touches a part of himself he can’t really physically touch but knows to be there. Because he might be able to fix everyone else, but he can’t fix himself.

Today is a day of music, to feel the soul within. And Changkyun can feel his mood brighten up just enough, like he needed to be touched in a way no one, not even he can. Because sometimes it’s not just about the words, it’s about the melody, the way it flows in and makes rain fall on dry land, or flowers flourish between the winter snow.

And rhythm? That’s the body’s own energy pill.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


Changkyun flicks through the pages of a magazine about gardening, making mental plans to get a cactus. It’s his favourite plant and he might as well find something to take care of other than himself, something that will stay and not walk away with a piece of him, like people tend to do.

_ Might spike me, but I don’t mind tough love. _

His eyes shift to the forgotten cup of coffee that sits comfortably by his side on the bench, long since devoid of warmth. It’s starting to become a habit to forget to drink his coffee, despite him remembering liking it quite a lot.

The wind makes the green arrowed leaves rustle, as translucent as the finest paper. Changkyun glances up and lets his head tip back as he takes a deep breath. It’s his first day outside after hermitting himself for days, and the weather has been kind.

He got up this morning thinking he’d take a shower and walk all the way to where Minhyuk works as a barista. But, halfway there, Changkyun lost all of his courage. And he knows,  _ he knows  _ that of all the things to lose, confidence really is something that will hold him back on things he knows he needs to do. Because even if he knows that this is how things are, that this is how they’ve always been, a part of him still hopes that if he tries hard enough he’ll manage to tip the odds in his favor and make Minhyuk remember him again as something more than a fleeting image to forget about.

As it is, he just backtracked all the way to one of the stores he’d passed by, got a magazine and rushed into the nearest park. It’s almost laughable, really, how pitiful he must look. But hey, at least he finally took that must needed shower and left the house.

He lets his head fall forward, eyes dropping to the magazine, but something makes him look up again, something like the pull of gravity after a jump, something he recognizes as familiar in the corner of his vision,  _ someone _ he knows.

Kihyun.

Changkyun’s heart jumps to his throat for a moment, a memory resurfacing as quickly and abruptly as a summer storm. He follows Kihyun with his eyes as he passes by, hands in the pockets of his white coat, auburn hair shining in oranges under the sunlight. 

For someone who’s an ever present figure in the background, Kihyun certainly shines a lot.

Changkyun remembers the way Kihyun had looked at him that day, though, almost in disappointment. Remembers the way Kihyun’s eyes had followed the trails of light all the way to him. Remembers how he, himself, could tell, then and now, too, that Kihyun saw more than he should have been able to.

So, Changkyun frowns and snaps his magazine closed, standing up and taking a quick breath before his feet begin walking for him. He remembers the coffee he leaves behind on the bench, but doesn’t care enough to go get it, eyes locked on Kihyun’s white coat.

The sky towers become part of the skyline the more Changkyun walks. At some point, Kihyun turns left and exits the park, walks through a couple of wide avenues and small places where people sit and eat, relaxing, as some others seem to go about their day.

The city changes every few minutes; sometimes it flicks with affluence, market stores and tourists, sometimes there’s nothing but the sounds of their footsteps on empty, narrow streets. By the time Changkyun stops recognizing the buildings, he starts to fret and paces up a little, walking closer to Kihyun while still keeping a considerable distance.

It’s at one specific intersection that Changkyun loses him. The light turns green, people cross the street and Changkyun struggles to go through the crowd, ends up losing sight of Kihyun in the process.

_ Goddamn it. _

Changkyun stumbles onto the sidewalk and looks around, frowning a little at the people who bump into him as they rush by. The sun shines down on everyone with the sort of brilliance that is a little blinding, and the way it reflects off of the sidewalk only makes Changkyun frown even more.

Suddenly, he feels stupid. Why was he following Kihyun in the first place? It’s not like turning into a stalker will shed some light on what happened three weeks ago.  _ Besides-- _

“Do you need something?”

Changkyun’s heart jumps and Changkyun jumps a little with it, slowly turning to look over his shoulder, eyes widening slightly when he meets Kihyun’s gaze, sharp and on him.

“Wha--What?” 

_ Verbally intelligent, as always. Good job, Changkyun. _

“You’ve been following me for the past thirty minutes,” Kihyun says, frowning a little. “I assumed you wanted something from me.”

“Follow--” Changkyun stops himself and then shakes his head. “I wasn’t!”

Kihyun lifts one eyebrow at him. “Right…” His eyes drop to the magazine in Changkyun’s hand. “Gardening…?” Kihyun questions to himself, head tilting a little.

Changkyun pulls the magazine behind his back and clears his throat. “Uhm, now that you’re here, though--” Kihyun looks at him and Changkyun almost skyrockets-- _ stupid lack of confidence-- _ “Have you seen Minhyuk lately?”

Kihyun shifts his weight from one foot to another and nods. “This morning, actually. Why?”

“Oh, nothing,” Changkyun smiles sheepishly. “I just… He hasn’t replied to me in a while.”

Kihyun frowns, looks Changkyun up and down. “Did you guys argue?”

“Huh?” Changkyun blinks. “No, not really.”

“Hm. True… He would have talked my ear off if you had...”

Changkyun huffs a laughs and looks down.  _ That does sound like Minhyuk, yeah. _ But they never got to argue, not really. It’s just the curse that comes with being a blacksoul; once people begin to heal, they simply forget about him. He’s too dark to bring light to people’s lives by any other means than shooting pieces of soul at them. And no one wants to remember the dark when they stand in the light.

“He’s probably busy,” Changkyun says, shrugging.

“Yeah,” Kihyun agrees, eyes narrowing, “Probably. He’s been… talking a lot more to Shownu, lately. He takes ages to text back, sometimes he even forgets, so…” Kihyun sighs and looks at the other side of the street. “Don’t take it too personally.”

Changkyun nods but something in his chest drops, suddenly, and he frowns, looking at Kihyun. “He’s been talking a lot more to Shownu, you said… You mean like--”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow and glances over. “How do you think?”

_ But if that’s the choice he makes once he’s healed then-- _ Changkyun swallows.  _ Something is not right. _ Or maybe there’s someone else who needs fixing, needs to stop clinging to whatever is making him fly too close to the sun. 

“Right…” Changkyun huffs. “What did Shownu said he does for a living? I forgot.”

“Like… his job?” Kihyun asks, blinking. “He works as a dance teacher. It’s nearby, actually. I’m on my way there to meet with a friend.”

“Eh, I see,” Changkyun nods, smiling a little. “Thanks.”

Kihyun frowns, lips going slightly pouty. “You’re welcome…?” he mumbles, feet turning as if to suggest he needs to go. “I guess I’ll see you around, then?”

_ Yep. Definitely. _

Changkyun nods but keeps his feet rooted right where he is. He waves when Kihyun waves at him and watches Kihyun turn to walk away, waiting for a few moments before his feet finally take him.

It’s nothing personal, really. In this case, Kihyun is just the means to an end, and right now he’s taking Changkyun to his next target.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


It takes a lot of courage to walk into a gym. Especially, when Changkyun sees the person Kihyun greets by the reception; a muscled man, broad to the point his shirt clings to his muscles, adorning them in black, a man whose face is far too bright and soft for the body it sits on.

Changkyun hears the doors close behind him and quickly turns to the plant nearby, magazine clutched to his chest, pretending to fix the plant while he ignores the look the lady behind the counter is giving him. His ears practically zone in on the conversation happening just ahead.

“Can’t believe you actually came by,” the muscled man says.

Kihyun huffs a laugh and reaches into one of his pockets, brings out a phone that he hands over. “There you go,” he says. “You’ll need to charge it. It died sometime this morning. But yeah, you’re welcome.”

“Thank you, Kihyunnie,” the man says with a bright smile. His eyes shift up as if prompted and meet with Changkyun’s, that quickly widen when Changkyun realizes he was lowkey staring. The man smiles small and Changkyun flushes once, and again when Kihyun looks back over his shoulder.

“Ah!” Kihyun says, turning completely to point at Changkyun. “You  _ are _ following me!”

Changkyun fakes seriousness. “I’m not,” he says. “I’m here to--” he gestures vaguely to the reception and to the lady behind the counter, “Sign up.”  _ Fuck my life. I hate exercising.  _

Kihyun frowns unimpressed, as if he knows it’s all just a silly, stupid lie. But the man behind him smiles a bit more, reaching over to tap at Kihyun’s shoulder.

“Friend of yours?”

“You could say so,” Kihyun mumbles. Changkyun feels a little touched.

“Oh, I see,” the man looks to Changkyun. “I’m Hoseok! You can call me Wonho. I work here, so if you’re interested in a little tour, I don’t mind showing you around.”

Kihyun opens his mouth to say something but Changkyun quickly interrupts him.

“That would be great,” he says, casually, smiling small and then blushing and looking down.  _ Oh god. What am I doing…? _

“Great,” Hoseok says, turning towards the corridor, “Come along, then.”

Changkyun smiles small and follows. He gives Kihyun a glance, who’s just giving him an abysmal stare, and thinks;  _ wink, Changkyun. Fucking wink. Wink. Wink. Wink! _

He doesn’t wink.

_ Coward. _

This courage thing is going to cost him the comic effect, for sure. So, he simply leaves Kihyun behind and follows after Hoseok, trying not to stare too much at the bundle of back muscles and the way they move, and realizing there is  _ literally _ nothing else to stare at except blue and yellow walls.

_ Goddamn it! _

Nowadays, everyone is more or less health conscious. Whether it is taking care of what they eat--Changkyun couldn’t care less--and when they eat--again, Changkyun couldn’t care less. Meal times? What  _ is  _ that?--or exercising on a daily basis to keep themselves fit and healthy for the longest time possible. 

It’s not surprising to see so many young people, some of them quite developed, running, lifting or squatting, some doing weird things with balls, others just using weird contraptions Changkyun doesn’t care to know the names for. One thing he quickly notices, though, is the weird skin coverage some people have.

_ Ah, tattoos. _ Displaying tattoos is not allowed in this place.

Luckily,  _ or not, really, _ Changkyun’s tattoos are all on his back, minus for the one on his wrist that he can cover with a wristband. This, considering, he’ll probably have to start coming here every now and then.

“--and then this area,” Hoseok blabs. He’s been blabbing for a while but Changkyun hasn’t been paying attention, only giving the man a few glances and random nods to show he’s listening.

Right now, Changkyun is busy trying to find someone. Someone he only finds moments later, when he looks into a specific room through a glass window; Shownu, Changkyun’s new target.

It takes nearly every cell in Changkyun’s body to control the anxiety that spurs when he thinks he needs to move and call out for Shownu’s attention. Which he does in spectacular fashion, by tripping on something and slamming against the glass.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok asks at the same time Shownu looks up from whatever warm-up he’s doing and waves.

Changkyun waves back as he says, “I’m fine, I’m fine. Sorry, didn’t see--” he looks back over his shoulder and spots the treacherous barrel set on the floor, “That.”

“Oh, this?” Hoseok smiles and bends down to pick the set up. “It’s an Olympic Barbell. Here, try to hold it!”

Changkyun gives the barbell a look and then glances at Hoseok. “You sure…?” Changkyun asks even as he reaches for the thing and huffs when his fingers curl around it and the weight makes his arm fall. “God--”

Hoseok giggles.  _ A man like this giggles? _ “You’re not the type to exercise, are you?”

“Noticed that now, did you?” Changkyun huffs as he puts the barbell down, wiggling his arm as if to get rid of the sudden tension he feels in his muscles. “Guess now it’s as good a time as any, to start, I mean.”

Hoseok nods. “Oh, agreed. Do you like the installations?” he asks, gesturing around.

“Oh, uhm, yes--”

“Changkyun?” Shownu calls from the door and Changkyun quickly smiles over.

“Oh, hey! Had no idea you worked here.”

Shownu smiles small and then looks at Hoseok. “Did you fish this one or did he come willingly?”

“The way you assume I simply drag people in here,” Hoseok scoffs.

“I came willingly,” Changkyun says. “Thought I’d… get a little fit…?” 

“Ohoh?” Shownu grins. “That’s good.”

“Thought so, too.”

All this lying is going to come back to bite him in the ass.

The moment Changkyun walks back into the reception, almost an hour later, he sees Kihyun is still there, sitting by the entrance and scrolling through his phone. He looks up, eyes going between Changkyun, Hoseok and Shownu before coming back to Changkyun.

“You’re still here,” Hoseok says.

“Apparently,” Kihyun says, goes back to scroll through whatever app he’s on.

Changkyun pays him little mind and instead lets himself be steered towards the counter, where the woman from before asks him for his ID, et cetera, et cetera, and not even twenty minutes later Changkyun finds himself signed up to the gym

_ The mysterious turns life takes…  _

And the things Changkyun does for others, too.

“I guess I’ll see you around,” Shownu says when Changkyun is on the way out.

“Yeah, definitely,” Changkyun agrees, waving until he notices Kihyun leaving is as well, casually saying goodbye to Shownu and slowly following after Changkyun.

The birds are silhouettes against the orange-kissed sky. Only an hour ago, Changkyun remembers the pale clouds against the blue, but now the twilight has advanced enough change the colours above.

Changkyun walks for a while, magazine under his arm, painfully aware that Kihyun is right behind him, until he reaches the end of the street. He turns just enough to look over and tries not to sound too whiny when he asks, “Now who’s following who?”

Kihyun stops and looks up from his shoes. He seems to take a moment to process Changkyun’s question, although his eyes seem a little dull at the edges compared to the usual sharpness that contrasts the soft of his face.  _ Still pretty, though... _

“I’m just going home,” he says, then.

Changkyun raises an eyebrow and sees Kihyun frown softly in reply. “Okay, then,” Changkyun says simply, turning back around and ignoring the way his eyes want to stay on how Kihyun suddenly seems to glow in autumn colours in the low sunlight. “You still waited for me to leave, though.”

“Who says I was waiting for you?” Kihyun asks, suddenly right next to Changkyun, eyes front. “Oddly egocentric of you.”

“Wow,” Changkyun huffs, “Did you just call me egocentric?”

“Did I?” Kihyun asks, passing him by. “Who knows…”

Changkyun frowns, looks down and slowly follows after him, carefully staying two or three steps behind. It’s not like they have to talk, they never really talked much to begin with and Kihyun is weird, beautiful but weird. Changkyun doesn’t even know what to talk to him about, scared his curiosity might dig far too deep. He doesn’t need another soul to save right now.

They walk until the dark rolls in once again, until the sounds of the birds by the trees muffle behind the sound of car horns in the distance. They walk until Changkyun begins to recognize the streets once again. They walk until they’re at an intersection and Changkyun realizes he needs to turn left even though Kihyun seems to be going right.

Changkyun stops and opens his mouth to say goodbye but a sudden insecurity eats his words, so he purses his lips together and makes to turn away.

“I’ll keep an eye on him, if that makes you feel better,” Kihyun says then, and Changkyun quickly turns again to look at him. “Minhyuk, I mean,” Kihyun says, eyes shifting on Changkyun’s face as if searching for something.

“Oh,” Changkyun says. “Okay… Thanks. I appreciate that, actually.” He smiles small and Kihyun frowns a little, but Changkyun begins to turn away again. “I’ll see you around, then.”

“Hey.”

Changkyun pauses, blinks and then looks back to Kihyun. “Yeah?”

It’s strange. But it’s not the first time Kihyun has looked at Changkyun like he knows what secrets he hides behind his eyes. And Changkyun vaguely remembers how, even from the background, with Minhyuk as a center piece, Kihyun would sometimes smile like an old friend, with a comfort in his eyes Changkyun never really understood. 

And today, in this moment, Kihyun looks at Changkyun like he wants to reach over.

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice soft. It makes something stir inside Changkyun, like a dam that holds back the waters of a raging storm suddenly cracked and spilled just enough to fill up the well behind his eyes.

“Yeah,” he says, blinking because he needs to. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Something shifts in Kihyun’s expression and he lowers his gaze, nods and then shifts a little, shoulders rolling before he looks away. “Alright. See you around, then.”

_ Reach out. Reach the fuck out. _

“Uhm!” Changkyun says a little louder before he just rambles, fighting this stupid new insecurity with a pointy sword. “Before! I… I mentioned I didn’t have your number but in the end… Minhyuk didn’t get to give it to me…”

Kihyun looks back and blinks. “Oh… I have your number.”

Changkyun blinks back. “You do?”

Kihyun shrugs one shoulder. “Eh, yeah. Minhyuk gave it to me. I just… didn’t text because, well, we’re not exactly close, I guess…?”

_ Right… not exactly close... _

Changkyun’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, I guess… Right. Uhm. Okay.”  _ Where was I going with this anyway…? _ “Right. Then--” Insecurities are a terrible thing, really. Because they make him turn away before he even finishes his sentence. Because they make him think that maybe Kihyun doesn’t want to talk to him. And all Changkyun can say is a small, “Bye bye,” before he’s too far away to be heard.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


Getting close to people isn’t easy.

Changkyun starts going to the gym three days a week, even when his entire body screams at him to stop. But even so, even though he manages to drag himself to sit with Shownu every now and then while they both have a smoothie  _ (much ew) _ , no particular bonding has happened yet. Which means Changkyun has no bullets.

It’s been weeks, and he has no bullets.

Minhyuk was a walk in the park, compared to this…

And speaking of which…

“What can I get you?” Minhyuk asks with a smile. It’s not exactly a plastic smile but it’s the type that tells Changkyun that Minhyuk can’t remember him at all. Not one bit. It’s the type of smile people show to strangers, out of politeness. And it hurts a little too much.

“Mo--Mocha coffee,” Changkyun says, or breathes. He can’t really tell, he just knows it was hard to say it, what with the squeeze inside his chest--so tight it took away all the strength he’d managed to gather to come here.

“Mocha coffee. Size?”

“Small.”

“Alright, coming right up!”

Changkyun pays and waits for his coffee, takes it without hesitation and turns to walk away. Why? Because Minhyuk doesn’t remember him anymore.  _ Because of course he wouldn’t. _ And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Changkyun doesn’t regret it, any of it. He helped someone, after all, how could he regret that? But… it still hurts. And it’s the type of hurt not even a mocha coffee manages to sooth, so Changkyun takes a turn and passes by the old man who always sits two steps outside of a nearby church to offer him the cup and walk away.

In the end, ashes of memories is all it was. All it is. All it will ever be.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


The more time passes, the more Changkyun finds himself staring at the damage, at the toll the world takes. And Shownu has such a strong character that it makes Changkyun even sadder to see it withering away, piece by piece, chipped away until it’s nothing but souldust. 

Not many people can say they’ve had the privilege of seeing a broken soul as foreground to a skyline on fire, blazing just beyond the horizon as the sun illuminates the shimmering haze of pollution. But it’s rather heartbreaking.

Shownu checks his phone, smiles to himself, or huffs a laugh and, each time he does, something within him dies a little. It’s strange, right? Because Changkyun has never seen someone be destroyed by happiness before. And, in a way he can’t really understand, he finds it sort of intriguing.

When he looks at his hands, though, he finds nothing between his fingers. Not even one single bullet. Nothing. 

Maybe Minhyuk didn’t have a timer above his head. But Shownu does. And his soul will take at least seven bullets to fix. Seven bullets Changkyun doesn’t have.

In the far distance, on the other side of the river, millions of lights cause the dense mass of skyscrapers glitter. People seem like needle points on the boats in-between this shore and the next, and the cars look like shiny blood cells flowing through the veins of the city.

Despite the time, the hustle and bustle, things seem and sound calm. Even more when the wind brings about the scent of the ocean. A whisper of nature that only Changkyun’s soul can understand in a way that he can’t.

“Do you have any regrets?” Changkyun asks, glancing over and catching Shownu pause mid fitting an impressive piece of fried chicken into his mouth. “Like… if you died right now… What would you regret the most?”

“Uh.” Shownu blinks, finally fitting the piece of fried chicken into his mouth and making the strangest face as he munches. His eyebrows furrow so much he looks angry, and his eyes are so intense... It makes Changkyun laugh a little. “I guess,” Shownu says as he swallows at least half of what he has in his mouth, “I’d regret a lot. But that’s normal, I suppose…”

Changkyun narrows his eyes. “Isn’t the whole point to live with no regrets?”

“I have a feeling that if everyone lived with no regrets, a great number of people wouldn’t make it until thirty…”

“True,” Changkyun scoffs.

“But I guess I’d regret not going to the bathroom this morning.”

Changkyun lowers his head to laugh. “God…”

“Why? What would you regret?”

Changkyun pauses and blinks.  _ That is a very good question, _ he thinks. And, at the moment, he thinks he wouldn’t regret much, if nothing at all. “I don’t think I have regrets…” he mutters, shrugs when Shownu raises an eyebrow. “I just… Well, some things are the way they are, right? And… I don’t know.”

“I think having regrets is a human condition,” Shownu says, eyes moving down to the food. He doesn’t pick anything up, though. “We… live our lives trying to regret the least but in the end we always regret something. It’s like, when faced with the choice of picking left or right? You’ll always wonder what each path is like, but you can only take one and… somewhere along the way you’ll wish you could go back. Not with everything, of course. But every now and then. Everyone makes mistakes and therefore everyone has regrets.”

“Deep,” Changkyun mutters. But while he understands what Shownu is trying to say, he feels too numb to connect to any of it. “Do you regret… the choices that make you hurt?”

“Er,” Shownu squints. “Hard to say… I think it depends. Why? Are you hurting because of something? Or someone?”

“Are you?”

Shownu pauses and raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t we all?”

Changkyun huffs a laugh. “Fair.” He takes a breath and sighs. “But wouldn’t it be better if it didn’t hurt at all?”

Shownu doesn’t reply to that. Not for a long while. Not until the sky has turned black and the night has settled in. Not until Changkyun finally eats something, too. But when he does reply, he says; “If fire didn’t hurt, you’d burn away without knowing why. Fire hurts as a warning. But so does ethanol when you’re disinfecting a wound. You judge what kind of hurt it is. You experience it and you learn.”

“And if you don’t learn…?” Changkyun questions, carefully.

“Then you’ll keep on hurting until you do. And maybe one day you’ll be able to tell what is good and what isn’t. I don’t think… it’s right or wrong in the way good or bad tends to be. I just think it’s up to everyone to figure it out.”

“To have a choice?”

“To have a choice.”

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


Changkyun thinks about it. He thinks about how negative memories come with a cost and, as addictive as they might be, once lessons are learned, there is nothing of value in them. Meanwhile, positive memories come as a friend with a picnic basket. They’re good and nourishing, supportive and kind. But he can’t really understand what the point of it all really is. Like, why does he have all this power, then? Is it the whole point to spent an entire life bouncing between negative and positive? Some people can’t even bounce all that well. And some bounce way too over the edge.

_ It’s a choice, _ Shownu had said. But is it, really? Not always. Definitely not always. So, maybe that’s not the answer to the everlasting question Changkyun carries around on his shoulders.

It’s not like he can text Minhyuk and ask him about it. Changkyun can’t even call his parents because they’re not on good terms and he can’t remember why. Shownu already gave him his answer. So… all that’s left is--

“Kihyun,” Changkyun tells his empty room. 

_ But… we’re not that close. _

Changkyun still has no bullets. So, he makes a decision he knows he won’t regret. Because maybe Shownu had a point, maybe hurting isn’t always a bad thing. 

That night, though, as if the universe realized Changkyun will need a helping hand to stand up once again when this is over, his phone buzzes with a text from Kihyun. It's not much, all it says is 'My number, now you have it'. And all Changkyun does is smile at it.

_ Thank _ you.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  
  


The heavy rains came when the city least needed them. A few trans stations flood and some streets are filled with mud that doesn’t belong in such a setting. The climate is changing, that’s for sure. And yet some people can’t really see it, can they? Maybe because they don’t want to. It’s a type of denial that makes Changkyun sigh.

He still goes outside, though, because he has to, because he needs to get this over with. After all, the more time he spends with Shownu the harder it will be when it’s all over.

Tricky, right? That the only way Changkyun has to help sort of backfires on him every time. He should be used to it by now, but… it seems that it’s always hard. Losing people it’s not something one gets used to, not really, not exactly.

The pavement of the streets is kissed wet by the rain, and it glistens so much it makes Changkyun smile a little. It’s another one of those, a hidden message for the soul. He can’t really tell why he likes the way the lights reflect off the pavement. He can’t really tell why the contrast of the traffic lights against the grey of the city and the sky makes him feel warmer than he has in days. But it’s happening and… he smiles.

Walking to the gym is automatic at this point. Changkyun knows where to go without having to pay attention. He knows when to stop, when to walk slower and when to walk faster. The familiarity of it all almost feels like a pat on the back.

He’s completely drenched when he gets where he wants to be, though; just a large, old tree that sits comfortably in its centenary ground, not very far from the gym. Changkyun can actually see people walking in and out. Busy, the lot of them. So, he leans against the trunk of old oak tree and waits.

Waiting is a game of patience. So, Changkyun pulls at all his courage and decides to make a mistake. A mistake that makes him smile a little giddy when his phone buzzes with a reply to the text, ‘hey’.

Kihyun  
Oh hey  
Whatsup  
Nm  
Feeling the rain Ig  
Kihyun  
?  
Yes that  
Kihyun  
Cool  
Weird but cool  
Do you need something?

Changkyun bites at his lip and takes a breath. The air feels a little stiff, suddenly.

No  
Not really  
Just bored  
Kihyun  
Bored?  
Thought you were feeling the rain  
I'm multifunctioning  
Kihyun  
Hm, good on you.  
How dry of you  
That dot at the end  
Kihyun  
Period.  
Tasteful  
Kihyun  
I was going to say something about being wet but I don't think it's very appropriate

Changkyun snorts a laugh and glances up to the gym for a moment before looking back down.  _ So, we have the same sense of humour, huh? _

Say  
This is going to sound very random  
But  
Kihyun  
Interesting, go on!  
Do you have any regrets in life?  
Like  
Well like  
Regrets  
Things you'd do again if you could

The answer takes a while, but it still comes in time.

Kihyun  
Oh alright that's deep...  
I think we all have regrets tbh, I most certainly do  
Do you wish you didn't have any?  
Kihyun  
What's with the philosophy at 3 in the afternoon  
JESUS  
I think that it's impossible not to have regrets but it's possible to live in a way that minimizes the amount of things we'll regret.  
Right  
Thanks!  
Kihyun  
No problem  
Are you okay?

Changkyun stares at the screen. He hadn’t even noticed it had stopped raining, but when he peeks up the sky looks darker than before.

Kihyun  
Changkyun?  
Yeah  
I'm fine dw

Changkyun doesn’t know how long he waits. He pockets his phone even though it keeps buzzing, begging for attention. He doesn’t want to talk anymore. It’s like everyone has the exact same answer, an answer he doesn’t want to hear. He’s almost certain there has to be a reason for things to be the way they are. To accept that it’s all by chance? That is a little too fucked up.

He thinks about work instead, about what he was supposed to be doing now instead of being here. But the thought leads him nowhere. It’s not like he has any affinity for the damn job, even though he’s sure it was something he used to enjoy.

The needles on the clock spin and, when Changkyun looks up, he sees Shownu exiting the gym, alone with a backpack in one hand, a bottle in the other. He doesn’t walk very fast but he looks to the sky like he’s been waiting for the rain to stop so he can go home.

Changkyun waits until Shownu is far away enough to step out of the oak tree’s shade. It’s weird that Changkyun’s hands shake. He’s not surprised that they do, but it’s still weird. Confidence is such a terrible thing to lose, and only now Changkyun realizes that maybe that’s why he couldn’t get through to Shownu, because he doubted he would anyway.

There’s a pregnant pause when Changkyun stop to look at Shownu’s retreating back in the distance. It’s the silence between track songs, the tension of peace before a war breaks loose. The birds stop, the cars muffle and the air thickens so much with humidity that it becomes harder to breathe.

And then, the lightning comes; a brilliant shock of white in the graphite sky, forking silently all the way down to the ground. The thunderous boom calls its warning too late and it makes Changkyun’s heart skip an anxious beat. He loves thunderstorms. And this one feels like the universe’s own way of telling him that it’s got his back. That it will be here to soothe his soul when it breaks.

Another thunder seems to crack the air, as if the very heavens might split apart. Changkyun takes a deep breath and feels the little lights circling around his fingers; seven of them, all his, soo to belong to someone else.

Ahead, lightning cuts crazy zig-zags into the cloudy sky. Changkyun holds his breath, lifts his arm and waits. And when the tumbling roar of thunder rolls in, when the wind picks up around him, a blinding light snaps from his hand and a shot is fired. This one, though, takes far too much, not only his breath. Changkyun doesn’t even see it hit, he’s taken by the darkness before it does.

In a way it’s like falling asleep. Except he can still feel the rain on his face, feel the pain that shoots up his knees when he falls, hear the thunder right above him and the voice that emcompasses it.

“You are so very stupid,” it says, a little breathless.

Changkyun thinks he curls into himself because he feels the cold, wet pavement against his forehead. “Wha--What--Why are you here…?”  _ And why am I crying? _

Footsteps click and click and then scratch right before Changkyun feels someone trying to pull at him. “Because,” Kihyun says lowly, right by his ear, “I had a feeling you were going to do something really, really stupid.”

The breathy laugh that comes out hurts a little, so Changkyun curls even more into himself. He can’t hear himself crying, but he hears his own stuttering, his own sniffling when he says, “You don’t--You don’t even kno--know me that well…”  _ We’re not even that close. _

“Oh, shut up. Now, come on, you have to get up. You’re all  _ wet.” _

Again, laughing hurts. And now Changkyun understands; happiness can hurt, too. But at the back of his head, behind all the wound and all the bleeding, he’s glad that he’s not alone in the rain, because now he can’t hear the thunderstorm, now he can’t hear the whisper that is just for him in a way that he can’t understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still here hoping it's not too confusing, lmao. There's a twist coming up in, hmmm, maybe 2 chapters, so... yas!  
Thank you for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't expect consistent updates, but there shall be occasional updates. With that said, I hope you enjoyed chapter 1???? I swear, I'm trying... And I'm sorry if the concept is a little weird, it's mostly venting.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!


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